kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
