there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
