I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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