i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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