I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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