I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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