feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
