Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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