I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
two words...techno handjob
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Randomize
