If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize