I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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