oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
