My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
