The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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