I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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