The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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