please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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