cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
