that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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