defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
