He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
