I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
