Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
