We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
