I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I want to be your penis for a week.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
