and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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