It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
