somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
