I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
