Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
