Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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