It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You ruined the universe
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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