Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
