If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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