I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
