Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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