My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
We had sex on a dog bed..
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Randomize
