"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
You smell like stripper and shame
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize