sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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