and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
