I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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