dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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