there's paper in my vomit.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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