my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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