Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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