i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize
