put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
These tits shall not be calmed
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
