I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
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