What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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