Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
