After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
