I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
