oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
His hands were made for my vagina.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
