I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Randomize
