turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
