I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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