I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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